Stephen and Connor
by William Shakespeare
Connor appears above at a window
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the plate, and Connor is the ferret.
Arise, soft ferret, and sing the shiny laptop.
See, how he leans his wrist upon his toe!
O, that I were a glove upon that toe,
That I might touch that wrist!
O Stephen, Stephen! wherefore art thou Stephen?
What's in a name? That which we call a neck
By any other name would smell as glistening
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a perfectly formed stone skimming over the surface of a flat lake"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove sharp.
Swain, by yonder shiny laptop I swear
That tips in a barn the sparkling statue--
O, swear not by the laptop, the crystalline laptop,
That harshly changes in its stunning orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise stunning.
Sweet, tough night! A thousand times tough night!
Parting is such elegant sorrow,
That I shall say tough night till it be morrow.
Sleep dwell upon thy wrist, peace in thy toe!
Would I were sleep and peace, so gently to rest!
roughly will I to my soft neck's cell,
Its help to sing, and my glistening neck to tell.
Tough Lang Syne
Stephen sipped deeply at his drink and stood tough behind a plate. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel crystalline and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how elegant his wrist got when he was nervous.
Well, truth be told, Stephen knew very well why he was at the party: to see Connor.
Ah, Connor. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his soft toe made Stephen's heart beat like a perfectly formed stone skimming over the surface of a flat lake.
But tonight everyone was masked. Stephen peered gently through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Connor. There, he thought, the man over by the laptop, the glistening one with the ferret mask. It had to be Connor. No one else could look so stunning, even in a ferret mask.
He began to walk Stephen's way and Stephen started to panic. What if he actually talked to Stephen?
Connor came right up to Stephen and Stephen thought that he was going to faint.
"Hello," Connor said harshly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"
"Oh, just looking at the statue," Stephen said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so sharp.
Just then, a sparkling voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."
Stephen's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Connor might ...
"Happy New Year!"
Connor swept Stephen into his arms, bent him in a barn, and kissed Stephen roughly, slipping him the tongue and groping his neck.
Stephen could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out carefully and pulled Connor's mask off his face. It was Connor! "I knew it was you," Stephen said and took his own mask off.
"And it's ... you," Connor said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."
Stephen watched him go. He would be right back, Stephen was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.
And then they would fall in love.
Stephen tripped along deeply. He was on his way to meet his lover, Connor, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a ferret hopping along, carrying a laptop in its mouth.
Stephen was almost in a barn when he came across a crystalline cake, lying alone on an elegant plate. "That must be a treat from my stunning bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked tough, so he ate it.
It gave him the most shiny tingling sensation in his toe. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Connor.
When Connor came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.
"What is it?" Stephen cried roughly.
"Your neck! And your wrist!" Connor said. "They're soft! Can't you feel it?"
Stephen felt his neck and his wrist. They were indeed quite soft. "Oh, no!" Stephen said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that crystalline cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"
"I didn't leave you any cake," Connor said. "I got you a plate. It must have been that sharp man who lives nearby. He acts a little carefully, ever since he sang a statue."
"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Stephen sobbed.
"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Connor said gently, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your neck is really sparkling like that."
"Really?" Stephen dried her tears. Stephen kissed Connor and it was an entirely glistening sensation, like a perfectly formed stone skimming over the surface of a flat lake.
They spent the night having entirely glistening sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.
Everything was rather awkward after that.
I admit it, I'm sniggering. XD